The role of anti-depressants

Contemporary society is addicted to speed, and sometimes I find I am just as bad as the next person. Unfortunately our current addiction doesn’t just encompass such things as fast computers, fast food and fast trains. It also includes fast grief.

The need for fast grief, which usually means medicated masked grief, is becoming the norm. My concern is that medically masking, delaying, or bypassing the grief process will only increase the likelihood of serious clinical depression later.

Benjamin Zander delivers a myriad of messages in his incredibly poignant 20 minute TED presentation. I could introduce, recap and/or summarize his talk, but my words would only delay your listening to Zander – which in this case is a better use of your time.

Research has shown that online grief support sites help grieving individuals. Still, there are times when it is wise to seek one-on-one counseling. If any of the following apply to you or your loved ones after the first month (post-loss), take action.

• You are having trouble functioning on a daily basis.
• You view life as hopeless.
• You can’t get out of bed in the morning.
• You reject all invitations.
• You don’t leave the house unless it’s an emergency.
• You overeat, over-drink, or abuse prescription drugs.
• You have panic attacks on a regular basis.
• You don’t sleep for days on end.
• Your children are acting out, getting poor grades, or not talking to you.

As a child I learned it was shameful to “throw a fit and fall in it.” That was my grandmother’s expression. While it is refreshing to hear young parents request their toddlers use words instead of bad behavior to express their anger, we have generations of adults who still believe anger in general is bad.

Being a grief counselor, I often ask clients about their feelings of anger. It is common for them to say they’ve felt a lot of different emotions since the death, but they aren’t aware of feeling anger.  I believe them.  They aren’t aware.

As homework I ask them to keep a one-week daily diary of their head chatter and when they do, they are surprised to learn that they are downright mad—about a lot of things. The realization, however, usually brings remorse: “How could I possibly be angry at someone for dying? That sounds awful!”

Angry because of the death rather than angry at  the person for dying.

Do you have a list of things you “ought” to have said/not said or done/not done near the time of your loved one’s death? Everyone feels inadequate when a loved one is dying, but some of us just can’t seem to take ourselves off the hook.

“Ought” Implies “Can.”

At least admit that your “ought” is a judgment, not a fact. Are you sure you are comfortable believing that you could have

1. acted perfectly,
2. known what you couldn’t have likely known, and
3. controlled what you couldn’t have likely controlled:
   • your loved one’s life choices and thought processes,
   • the medical community, and
   • life, in general?

The fact is you can only do what is in your power to do.

You might be interested in subscribing to Garrison Keillor’s Minnesota Public Radio’s Writer’s Almanac. It’s a wonderful way to begin the day, along with our daily quote of course!

The Almanac always leads with a poem. You can listen to Garrison (or his current summer stand-in, the wonderful poet Billy Collins) read the daily poem or silently read and contemplate the poem’s spare words.

Today’s poem, Mediterranean, was especially sweet. Poet Rosanna Warren visually sees her young mother walking ahead of her 38 years before: “the mystery was not that she walked there, ten years after her death, but that she vanished – and let twilight take her place.”

Click here to read the entire poem.

To subscribe go to http://writersalmanac.publicradio.org/. Click on “newsletter” in upper right of website, and add your email.